Through My Eyes

Timing was everything.

Archive for June 2010

Changes…the one thing you can always count on.

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There’s less than a week left before I start the intensive film program at Berkeley Digital on the other side of the bridge.  Simultaneously, I’m trying to figure out the part I play at the restaurant where I work a few days a week,  the investment I’ll be making for the summer internship at the Korematsu Institute, and the challenges of being in a (soon-to-be) long distance relationship.

These past 12 months have been transitional, a term I’ve become accustomed to repeating.  During the times I’ve met someone new in the last year – whether at a birthday dinner, in a cab, at a bar, getting a haircut, etc. – the story of how I decided to pursue this career becomes the topic of conversation.  I typically re-count my earlier interest in journalism, the barriers of entry that intimidated me in the past, traveling and becoming even more inspired in southeast Asia.  I’m sort of tired of telling this story and want to move forward already.

Changes are meant to test you.  They’re supposed to be trying and make you squirm uncomfortably, taking you out of your comfort zone.  I’d like to think that I’ve started to embrace change more easily, more readily as I’ve gotten older.  It’s presumably a natural direction one takes over time.

Have you ever struggled with the idea that being “good” can put you in a position of being vulnerable?  It’s not the easiest thing – being a woman.  Daily we confront contradicting expectations of our role in society, self-criticism that can become destructive, images that make us constantly compare ourselves with one another.  When I watch one of my favorite shows, AMC’s Mad Men, I’m often infuriated with the way women on the show are viewed and treated.

The main character seems to have it all in terms of a successful career, a gorgeous wife, sweet kids, but all is never enough.  He dabbles in various affairs with a stewardess, school teacher, client – the list goes on and not in that order.  Who knows what or who he’s doing when we’re not watching.  Yes, it’s television.  There must be a story to develop.  There must be character flaws to highlight and romanticize for the sake of viewership.  Otherwise, if everything was fine, who would want to watch the show?  Perfection?  Fidelity?  That’s boring.  Save that for TGIF circa Family Matters and Step by Step – shows that ended every episode with a cheesy, but valuable lesson.

I find that sometimes I’m afraid of being too “good.”  When I talk about non-profit work, volunteering, general good intentioned activity in my life, I can see a particular look in some people’s eyes. I imagine they’re thinking, “Get over yourself. You’re being self-righteous.”  It usually goes one of two ways.  One being attractive to those who are like-minded, responsive to my positive outlook, or inspired by what I do or have to say.  The other being annoyed by my optimism, questionable of my incentives (or lack thereof), or  just plain disinterested because it has nothing to do with them.  And trust me, I’m not delusional.  I’ve encountered this in my personal and professional life.  (I’m a lot more intuitive than you may think or give me credit for.   I just don’t verbalize everything I think.)

Anyway, this past week, these are the things that have been on my mind.  I’m looking forward to how this year is going to unfold.

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Written by winniewongsf

June 2, 2010 at 3:53 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

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